I’ve been feeling really wierd for the like the last two weeks. Im not sure why. Its that I feel sad, but then I don’t feel sad. Yesteday I cried but I don’t really have anything to cry about? I mean I don’t have a job, I live at home with my family. I live in a small room, in a small twin bed, that used to belong to my sister. My younger sister, I sit there in that room all day, and think about how she is now living in my old room.

How everyone just has these seperate little lives without me in them. Bridgets moved on, Got a boyfriend a good job! My sisters in school. Going over to different friends houses like every other day, Living in my room, using everything that used to be MINE. I can’t believe Im jealous of my 12 year old sister. I need to get a life.

I just feel soo left behind. Ashton, and Emily. They try their best to keep me included, but lets be honest, there job is not to talk to the used to be mount student every day. I Just need to find something to take up all of my time, like school used to. I just need to get a job, and then work all hours into the night.

Usually all I would need is my blog and I would write about my feelings, and I would feel better about my feelings, but its not working anymore. I wanna talk to Ashton, but he won’t be any help. Apparently, his parents read my blog now. Not really sure how I feel about that, especially if they’re going to pass judgement.  I mean, they really have no right to say anything or even comment about my writing. 

I mean its MY blog. It’s MY issues. Why can’t people just leave me alonge, and think about what I need? But no one cares. Is this what you call having a midlife crisis? I’m only 19! I can’t really have any serious issues. Except school. School and money are my only issues right now.  I mean, I’m not in school. Thats what I’m supposed to be doing. Then on top of that, I mean I just hate sitting and not doing anything.

I literally loathe being bored. How am I supposed to be a role model, when my younger sister has more of a life then me?! I mean, school was the only real thing I had and now its gone, and I don’t know if Im getting it back. The mount, the mount is like a labryinth it has its up and down days. But it was college!

That’s whats supposed to come after highschool. I was supposed to get my degree, and get my corporate job, and move into my little apartment, with my car and start my adult life. I’m just in jambles. I started college a semester  late and now Im not even going NOW! I was there for a year. A year, and what did it get me? A bunch of friends I can’t even see on a daily base, and a yearning for something I can no longer have.  It’s just not fair.

All because of money. If we’re so in debt, how can everyone afford to charge so much? I don’t understand, how we’re supposed to be one of the most powerful countries, yes 50% of us are living in poverty levels. It makes me wanna pack my stuff, move and start over! Completely! New name, New life, No one would know me. I could start from scratch and live a life I didn’t royally screw up.

Why (if there is a god) which I still don’t believe, did he let me screw up so royally. I mean I don’t have a love for anything anymore. Knitting, crocheting, sewing? Gone. Video Games, watching movies, watching tv? zilch. I haven’t picked up a book in over 5 months. What the FUCK is wrong with me? Like on a serious note,  I feel like a failure, and I’ve been writing for almost an half hour.

You guys must think Im so pathetic, Hope I won’t have to write anything like this in a really long time.

Pathetic tears from a helpless bunny,

Kousagi